Thursday, December 30, 2010

pre pre-ejaculation

it's 4:32 AM and i finally get the call.  I head over to my neighbors dorm room to snuggle with her before she goes to sleep.  I am still a virgin and unsure of whether or not this girl is worthy for me to end my chance of salvation with the Roman Catholic God I was raised to believe in.


as we lay in her bed talking, the mood shifts to dry humping and finger-banging.  i then notice im cumming in my pants, rather perfect timing i might add.  my boxers are now soaked in the front left side and i have to tell her i'm a virgin to prevent her from reaching her hand down there, where she will be revealed to my shameful pre pre-ejaculation.  i then stay lying in her bed in the same position for the next twenty minutes talking to her as i feel the shameful semen slide down my left thigh; seeping into her sheets.

fate is weird to me, it gives me such a splendid situation to lose my virginity, a task that i feel has been built up through society and for some reason seems like such a big deal.  i think part of it was my roman catholic up bringing, and the one thing they were able to drill in my head was sex before marriage.  i then confront the opportunity of  sex before marriage, and end up creaming my pants.

the sickest part of the experience was loving every second of it

Friday, December 24, 2010

I don't know if I need rehab, mayhaps just some sleep.
My sick obsession, it consumes my dreams.
I stroll down every alley I can find.
I stay up all night, I am a fiend.

What you have, it's impossible to find
In fact, I think about it all the time
I'm strung out, my heart and brain are fried.
It's you I can't get off my mind.

It's because your love, your love, your love, it is my drug
Your looks, your touch
Your inquires, your enquirers 
Your love it is my drug.

Is my love your drug?
I want my love to be your drug, everything that defines me to consume your mind.
I want to know what you think and why you think it.
Show me your subconscious and I'll show you mine. 

It's all because your love, your love, it is my drug.
The way you stand, the way you talk, your choice of words.
The way you perceive reality, and manipulate it.

What defines me?
I try to understand you, to be like you.
What defines you, defines my drug.
And it is my drug, which defines me.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Question Reality

Look around you, and try to count all of the things around you. This sole room that I am in has 4 lights, a fan, a television, a fridge, a couch, two chairs, a table, a coffee table, 8 candles, some christmas decorations, couple windows, and a clock. All in this room. My Tv is on, playing a hockey game or something. The lights are on quite dim. I have some music playing in the background. The mood is very relaxing. But these are still things to concentrate on.

People seem not to get lost in thought enough. My sister, who only has her permit, was driving herself to her friends house which is about 15 minutes away. I was in the passenger seat, looking out the window. Have you ever noticed, or if you have ever experienced, when you complelty lose your sense of sight and just seem to get so locked into whatever you are thinking about, whether it is some drama going on in your life or just getting lost in nature, and just don't seem to notice what you are looking out. I never see this in other people. If this ever happens, they just say that they dazed out or something of that nature. I ask what they are thinking, and they say nothing. How? How are people not constantly thinking? Over this break I've kind of been grounded of sorts and have had a lot of alone time. Not "alone" time, just a lot of time to think. And it really isnt helping my brain. But it has let me think of some strange things.

Such as, what if I am just the main character of this life, and everyone else in it is just like on a cast and the producer, whoever he or she is, just switches people in and out, depending on what I am doing that day at that time. Or what if whatever I am not looking at, doesn't actually exist. Like a video game. If you're not seeing part of a level, you know it is still there, but it just doesn't register to the player on the screen. Like my parents, who are downstairs, are not actually there until I go down to go check on them. Or, take something like the entire contintent of Africa. How do I know that exists? I've never actually seen it, I've just been told that it is there. What if everyone in this world is actually real, but just not in this world. Imagine 6 billion people or whatever signed up to go to a virtual reality or something, and live their life, and the people running the simulation just figure out what the people imagined, and if the ideas are good enough, apply it to the real world. And going back to the top paragraph, what if the people running it put in all of these distractions so the people in the simulation never actually think that there is something more, and in turn creating a perfect conrol group.

If you have ever actually imagined something like the above, have you ever tried to find the perfect combination of anything that will take you out of this. Like I always think when I am thinking of something, and try to figure it out, all of the sudden some people will just float down and tell me "Congratulations, you figured it out!" Or like everything I am looking at is just ripped to shreds in front of me and I am just woken up, since I did a perfect combination of whatever that successfully allows me to leave this part of my journey, and allow me to go on to my next part. Sometimes, when I am walking or biking, go over certain potholes or cracks, praying that that exact combination allows me to go on. What if it something way more complicated that I placed for myself in a previous life. How the heck am I supposed to figure it out. Say I am just a projection of sorts. The problem with that is, when I was a baby, I will forget everything that I possibly had myself remeber in the previous life to get out of this on, since I basically lived 15 years not thinking of any of this.

When I was younger, I would sometimes ask people questions like, "Have you ever thought that we see different colors than what you see. Such as, my red is your yellow, etc.:" And almost every single person dismissed this, saying that that is just a dumb idea. And I never thought of it as anything prominent or important.  But than I would think more and more about these type of trivial, questionable ideas. And in turn, have created this. My brain is my worst enemy.

And what if I can't die. What if, dare I say it, I am some sort of prophet. Or maybe even God. How am I not to know that I am not him. Because I can't perform miracles? Does that make me not God? I feel like everything has more or less worked out in my life, and while there have been some hard spots. just teaching me and allow me to move on. Sometimes when I drive, I imagine myself just ramming into the car coming towards me in the other direction. But I never do it because I am too scared. And it seems recently that I have been getting a lot of hints that whatever I start to think, will eventually become present in my daily life quite soon in a very suttle way. Like, what if this is actually just a very, very clear dream, and I am starting to lucid dream of sorts. What if eventually, I can just mind control this entire universe.

What if December 21 2012 is actually the end of the world, but just for me. Not like I "die" that day, but I just pass this obstacle in my life. Life is starting to become more and more clear, and that this date would make an appropriate end to when I have finally figured everything out that I need to know.

Have you noticed that every single person in your life has a different unique precense about them. Why is that. You have your friend that you can say anything to, you're friend that is just pure awesome, someone who just has created multiple problems in your life, someone who has just been a bystander but has still been there, etc. All of these things create a perfect circle of entirety, right in front of your eyes.

 If life is actually real and I am just insane, how is everyone so different? How can anyone think of so many different personalities and appearances? What if just the people that affect me are every single personality in the world. Like, not everyone is unique. Just the people that affect me hold every single charteristic and personality that are expressed throughout the whole world. And they represent the entire world. But the world as a whole have multiple of the same people.

What if I am not alone. What if, whatever higher power is present, put like 10 of us on the world, and that we will never meet each other, but we exist on the same earth, learning the same things as everyone else.

And what if I am actually just insane? What is a person with this type of thinking supposed to do with their life. If I do in fact, believe what I have said previously, why don't I just kill myself? Because I think that if I do that, it is basically cheating, and that I would have to start all over. But if everyone is actually real, and that this is the one stop train, and that after this we disappear forever, why would that ever exist? My dad always says we live, we die. I find that quite ignorant. Or is it something that has just been created for the sole purpose to make my brain think of that idea, and just accept that idea, and not think of any of this, going back to one of the latter paragraphs.

And if this is just a dream, how can I create all of this. If in fact, this is all of my thinking, that means I've created hundreds of languages, millions of miles of architecture, the human species, every other type of species, etc. In just my subconscious. That just seems impossible. But that would be preety impressive.

What if this is just a test. If any of you familiar with Freud ( I admit, I am not) however he said something like some children are attracted to their mothers or something freaky like that. What if this is a test for eternity. What I mean is, say you want to marry someone for eternity, as this would most likely happen in a bigger picture. Anyway, you get to spend one human life with your "wife," however, you grow up, while she is basically the same age your whole life. And once you die, you go back and see if you really want to stay with this person for eternity.

My parents said I need a therapist. I'm not sure if I should or not.

Also the only point of the title was for people who are questioning reality to read this. I'm not questioning reality. I'm questioning the purpose of it.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Tiger and the Strawberry

This is a Buddhist/zen proverb I encountered and I thought it was worth sharing with others, enjoy.

The Tiger and the Strawberry
A man was walking across a field when he heard a rustling in the tall grass beside him, and turned to see the hungry eyes of a large tiger staring at him. The man began to run, fear giving him greater speed and stamina than he knew he possessed.
But always, just behind him, he could hear the easy breathing of the hungry tiger. Finally, the man stopped, not because his strength had failed but because he had come to the edge of a high cliff and could go no further. "I can let the tiger eat me, or take my life in my own hands and jump." The man turned and saw the tiger slowly walking toward him, licking its mouth in anticipation. Resolved to take his own life, the man stepped to the edge of the cliff and bent his legs to jump, when he suddenly noticed a thick vine growing out of the side of the cliff, several feet from the top.
Carefully, he let himself drop down the cliff face, catching hold of the vine as he slid past, and thanked God when it was strong enough to support his weight. Hanging now, the man looked up and saw the tiger's eyes peering over the edge of the cliff. It roared down at him, then began to pace back and forth along the top of the cliff. For the first time, the man looked at the vine that had saved his life. It was thick enough for him to wrap his legs around, resting his arms, and long enough that he might be able to let himself far enough down to jump safely to the ground below.
And the moment he had this thought was the same moment that he saw the second tiger, pacing back and forth at the foot of the cliff, licking its mouth, and looking hungrily up at him. Well, thought the man, if my strength and the strength of the vine are great enough, perhaps I can outwait the tigers. Surely, they'll go someplace else to eat when they're hungry enough. And the man prepared to settle in for a long wait.
His preparations halted quickly, however, when he heard a scurrying, scratching sound close to his own face. Glancing upwards, he saw two mice, one white and one black, emerge from a small hole in the cliff. They made their way swiftly to the base of the vine, and began to gnaw through it with their small sharp teeth. There was nothing else he could do, a tiger above, a tiger below, and the vine that kept him from their jaws about to break.
The man was closing his eyes to begin his prayers, when he noticed, a little to his right, a tiny patch of red color on the face of the cliff. He reached toward it precariously, pulled, and brought his hand back beneath his eyes. There, in his palm, was a luscious, red strawberry. The man swiftly pressed the strawberry between his lips, onto his tongue, and hanging between those still visible tigers, he enjoyed the finest , juiciest, sweetest meal of his life. 

My conflict paper for school


The idea of social networking is genius. It is a practical, yet fun way to keep in contact with new and old friends. Websites such as Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, etc, have all created simple ways for anyone who can use a computer to interact, share pictures, and give status updates on their daily life. Almost every young adult or teenager has one of these “websites.” So who would think that something as fun and practical as this could more or less ruin society as a whole?

Let’s use Facebook as an example. If you’re not familiar with the idea, I’ll give you a general overview. Every user has their own “profile.” It has a picture of you that you chose to represent yourself on your page. Anyone can view your pictures, interests, and info about someone with just a click of a button. Every user has a “wall” where people can post things such as, “happy birthday,” or “ Hey, long time no see!” A very simple idea that was supposed to be used for keeping in contact with people you do not see on an everyday basis. However, this was not the case.

Social networking and I have a “conflict.” Social networking and Communism have a lot in common. In theory, they are both genius ideas. Fool proof beyond all belief. However, nothing can be perfect. Facebook is just a free website a person can use to advertise themselves to the social scene. Girls are the real problem that I am addressing. It is disgusting. Go on a persons page, and you will see multiple things. Number one is that their “profile” picture is usually an edited picture made to make themselves look “cuter.” or “hotter.” And that is just the start. The next thing people usually look at is the amount of Facebook friends one has. I have seen people with over 1,000 Facebook “friends.” I don't think many people are actually friends with over 25 people. The higher the number of Facebook friends, the more the general public views the person as “cool,” or “popular.” Pictures can be uploaded through Facebook, where the number of pictures a person is “tagged” in can reach over one thousand. I find this insane. Why must a person constantly take pictures of what they are doing. Sure, they say it was an important event. But subconsciously, the person just wants to show off how much more fun they are having on whatever night the pictures were taken.

Then, there is a different type of problem with Facebook. I would throw away all my problems that I've mentioned before hand if this problem would go away. The fact that people are now a “slave” for Facebook. What I mean is that people start living more of their lives on Facebook rather than socializing in public. A usual Facebook user goes on maybe 3 times a day. And the only real reason people go on Facebook, is to see if they have any notifications.

The notification.

The biggest problem of them all. If someone comments on your wall post. Notification. Someone comments on a picture. Notification. If someone writes on your wall. Notification. Someone does anything relating to you. You will receive a notification. At first glance, again, a great idea. People want to be able to know if someone did something relating to them without having to search around for it.

However, after analyzing this tactic, it forces users to continually come back to his profile over and over. It is a genius idea by the owner of Facebook, but it has made people become addicted to Facebook. People comment on more and more things, just hoping that they will receive a notification. If a person doesn't check their Facebook for over a day or two, and comes back to see he has zero notifications, possible suicide crosses the mind for a split second. Alright that isn't completely true, but hopefully it conveys the message about how “important” people view the notification.

Sadly, I don't think I will be able to fix this conflict with myself and Facebook. For one reason, many of the things listed above do apply to me. I have been starting to weed myself off of this monstrosity, but it still hovers over me like a cloud. The only way for this conflict to ever end is if people finally realize that Facebook is actually creating a society that is less than euphoric, but rather a fake, tv based lifestyle.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

perceiving reality


we use our five senses to perceive reality, through sight, touch, sound, hearing and taste we interpret the world around us and these five senses limit us to how we perceive reality.  perhaps humans aren't biologically equipped to perceive everything around us.  maybe as evolution goes on we will have different organs to allow us to see the world around us.  perhaps through darwinism a different species (perhaps extra-terrestrial) could take over as the dominant species of earth.










what if our reality is in a vacuum, like a sandbox.  our reality is a glitch, loophole, or perhaps intentional, creation.  maybe somewhere in the universe in a black hole life is able to exist through a glitch in the system.  maybe aliens or more intellectual species have created this reality for us, and made us to only see the reality through five senses, and then study our lives.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

finding peace within

I have always kind of thought of the whole buddhist "aummmmmm aummmmm" nonsense as basically bullshit. However, I think I found what I am looking for.


My college dorm room was quite hot tonight. I thought what better way to cool of than with a cold shower? Well I cranked the cold knob and jumped in real quick. Man that was cold. I jumped out after maybe 15 seconds, my hair freezing. I dried myself off. But I than thought of what the buddhists do. Like some buddhist monk lit himself on fire at some rally and didn't even budge. That takes balls.

I decided to crank up the freezing cold again, but this time, test my senses. I jumped in telling myself to stay in for as long as possible. At first, it was basically hell. Well not really, more of the opposite. eh? eh? ah fuck you it was a good joke. I thought of the best moment of my life. I won't reveal that, as it is quite important to me, but I stayed in for about 30 seconds before flying out of the shower. I just jumped into my brain and thought of the moment, everything around me basically fell to nothingness. It was incredible. For about 5 seconds, nothing was real but what I was thinking. It was insane. Blackness walled off the dream. Cold became just a figure of the imagination. Than everything snapped back and it was freezing again.


I'm gonna try this again for the next couple nights, see if I can produce the same result and improve my time.

just something fun to do.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

food

get a paper plate, pour a bag of honey barbecue Frito twists.  Then smother it all in cream cheese. put it in the microwave for 30 seconds or until the cream cheese melts.  delicious snack.

Toast a bagel, slice salami and cheddar cheese.  Then season it with the new Verde sauce from Taco Bell. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

be none of us to be one of us

http://www.actualsanity.com/

Take the time to read that website; it makes some excellent points in flaws in our society today.  People, collectively, are too caught up in trivial bullshit.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Fleshlight Tag

Fleshlight tag is a great game to play.  You only need a few things.

1) A fleshlight

http://www.fleshlight.com/fleshlight-toys/
They also have avatar themed fleshlights.

Or you can make your own





2) A penis


Once you and a group of guys have your fleshlights, it's time to play!

The object of the game is to run around in a public place while pleasuring yourself with a fleshlight, and "tag" as many persons, objects, walls, cars, grocery carts, and any objects you deem fit.  Once you're done tagging take a picture of said shot.  Who ever has the most after a 24 hour period wins!

Happy Trails ;)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Get a broader mindscape

I'm a 40 year old, somewhat famous male. I've worked in a burger joint for my entire working career. I can't get my drivers license, because I am somewhat of a spaz. I've tried countless times, but just have not managed to figure out how to drive. I am in love with a member of another "race". My best friend could be considered retarted, and deep down I think the only reason he hangs out with me is because he lives right next to me. But I relate to him the best out of everyone I know, even though I don't think I'm retarted. My other neighboor is a horrible musician who works at the same place I do. I talk to my pet all the time, thinking it can understand me. But the worst part about it all, is that I live in a pineapple. Under the sea.

Anything can suck. Depending on how you look at it.

Cheer up

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Legalize Child Pornography

It's time we legalize the legitimate industry of child pornography.  The benefits that come from child pornography greatly outweigh the risks.  We could be training the porn stars of tomorrow, today.  Instead of spending money on cyber-police departments and imprisoning people who partake in this legitimate part of our culture, we can accept it and integrate this beautiful concept into our lives.

I don't personally look at child porn, but I understand why people do.  They get a thrill from seeing a 12 year old girl getting fucked in the ass and taking a big load on their face.  I get the same sick thrill each time I use facebook.  I go on and see all of my fellow peers advertising them selves.  Each page is an advertisement on why they are cooler than me, better than me, have more fun than me, and have better overall lives than I do.  When people are hanging out with friends, they take pictures of everything, model their lives for the world to see the next morning on facebook. 

The idea of social networking is reinforcing the ideas of cliques and stereotypes.  That you have to conform to a social-norm in order to have friends.  Look at somebodies facebook page and you can see their likes, interests, status updates, and pictures.  It becomes disgusting how anal some people become over how they present themselves over facebook; which eventually carries over to real life and how they act. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go rub one off.